Flickering
by shikamaru's fangirlxxx
Summary: The train rattles onwards through the dark and within its dimly lit compartments the lack of sleep is taking hold. Sirius can't sleep and Remus is being too quiet. RLSB


**Flickering**

A dim light came from the old, stained-glass lamp which hung from the ceiling, casting a warm orange glow on the train compartment's occupants. The lamp shook with the motion of the train, light flickering as if the carriage was on fire, throwing shadows into the corners and forming shapes with the darkness.

Remus watched his reflection in the blackness of the window as the train rattled onwards. His mousey hair was tied back scruffily into a pony tail with an elastic band. Sirius had always deemed hair-ties as too girly. His skin was perhaps too pale, his hazel eyes seemed dull and lifeless in the dark glass; his expression vacant from hours of boredom.

The journey to Hogwarts was usually overflowing with excitement; the marauderers weren't often able to meet up over the holidays. This time, after being delayed for five hours with a bored Sirius, an equally bored James and Peter throwing up in a bowl in the corner, most of that had worn off.

Peter had finally made his way to the nurse's compartment, with a little assistance, but the mood was still not as light as it should have been. James was drifting into sleep, his head resting against the window, using his jumper as a pillow. Sirius was trying to do similarly, sprawled along the tattered red seat on his side of the carriage, his head resting in Moony's lap and his feet propped up against the wall at the end; the compartments weren't designed for sleeping and his legs were too long to lie down normally.

"Moony?" He asked, opening one eye and looking up at his friend. "What time is it?"

"Less than a minute since last time you asked." Remus answered, still studying his reflection. His eyebrows were thin, he thought; feminine. His hair fell in his eyes, where it was too short to be tied back. He shouldn't have cut it so much, but he had wanted it to look a little like Lilly's did when she tied it back.

"But I thought I'd fallen asleep..." Sirius frowned, closing his eyes again. "How long is it till we get there?"

"I don't know, about an hour or so? They said we'd be there soon after midnight, so it can't be much more than that."

"Well this sucks."

Remus didn't answer; drawing a line in the condensation with his little finger; watching the drops trickle down the window, glowing like liquid gold in the soft light. He was as tired as the other two, but he could never fall asleep on trains. Sirius shifted slightly, growling in frustration. The train was too loud, the seat was too narrow, the room smelled too much of Peter's vomit and moony was being too quiet.

It worried him when people were quiet, especially Remus who was so hard to read.

Finally deeming sleep impossible, Sirius sat up again, shaking his dark hair back into its normal, only semi-unruly state. Remus was still staring blearily out of the window, although he could see Sirius' reflection in the glass behind his own.

"I thought you were trying to sleep."

"I was, but I can't." Sirius grinned; if he was going to stay up late he might as well try to stay fully awake. "So what shall we do?"

Remus turned to him, shrugging. The werewolf was always like this when he was tired; uncommunicative, pessimistic and disinterested; however, on Sirius, lack of sleep had the opposite effect. To him, it was almost a high, his already abundant liveliness doubled, and he became, if possible, even less restrained than he normally was.

This was partly why he had decided to sleep in the first place. Being alone in a compartment with Remus whilst he was anything like drunk was probably not a very good plan. His tendency to flirt relentlessly with whoever he was speaking to was already somewhat increased when it was Lupin that he was with and a combination of that and him being ever so slightly inebriated could lead to anything.

But right now he was tired enough not to care about the consequences of his actions.

"I suppose we could play truth or dare…?" Sirius suggested, only for the other boy to roll his eyes at him.

"There's only two of us, that's going to be a bit rubbish."

"I could wake James…"

"That would be selfish of you. Let him sleep." Remus turned back to the window, ignoring him again.

"So it's just me and you then? Alone in this carriage… so many opportunities…" Sirius said as suggestively as possible.

He could have sworn he saw Remus smirk, if only for a second, but if he did he covered it quickly; determined to remain annoyed. "A moment ago you were complaining about the _lack_ of opportunities…"

"_Moony_… talk to me…"

"I am talking to you…" Remus answered.

"But you're not even looking at me… Are you okay?" Sirius asked, sounding concerned.

"I would be fine if you weren't being so childish."

"I'm not being childish; I just think we ought to at least talk properly."

"Fine," Remus said turning away from the window to look at his friend. "Is this good enough?"

"Thank you" Sirius grinned. "Can I lie down again? I mean, I'm not going to sleep, but your lap is comfortable."

This time the smile was definitely there.

"If you want…"

"So," Sirius began, returning to his original position. "How were your holidays?"

"You've already asked me that."

"No, I mean how were your holidays as in the bits that you didn't mention in front of James and Pete?" Remus frowned, confused.

"What bits?"

"As in have you figured out the whole sexuality thing yet? You said you'd think about it over time…"

"That doesn't mean over one week, I probably won't know for certain for ages, why are you so eager to find out?" he asked, defensively.

"Well being the only gay or even gay-ish guy in our year does suck slightly. If you were gay we could have a little group and wear rainbows and cross-dress and stuff."

Remus snorted. "I don't know about you, but I have absolutely no inclination to cross-dress."

"Nor do I, but that's not the point. And you would look good as a girl… not skirts necessarily, but fishnets and garters and stuff maybe…"

"_No_."

"Fair enough, but you get the point."

"Not entirely…"

"But I do want to help you find out, I mean I know I'm gay, and when I found out for certain it was much better than the uncertainty that was there before."

"How did you find out?"

"I…" he broke off, picking fluff out of the red cushioned seat on which he was laying. "I kissed someone…" He felt Remus tense.

"When?"

"At the new year's party. We were both drunk; I don't think he remembers it thankfully…"

There was an awkward silence for a few moments; Moony wasn't used to Sirius being embarrassed about anything.

"Who was it?" Remus asked, feeling slightly sick at the thought that Sirius had been closer to someone else than he had been to him, even if it was just for a few moments.

"I don't know…" Sirius replied, and Remus realized he had been holding his breath. "We were both pissed, I didn't know his name. I think I'd recognize him if I saw him again but I'm not sure. I don't really remember that well, but it was nice though… I remember that…"

"Well I'm _not _planning on getting drunk."

"I think that's _exactly_ what you should do," Sirius countered enthusiastically, "we should get drunk together some time and see what happens."

"No. It's a bad habit."

"But it would help, wouldn't it? Or you could just kiss some random person and hope they were gay… Hey! I could take you to a gay bar!"

"What?! Are you insane…? Besides, I doubt you'll find one in Hogsmead."

"Well how else are you going to find out, if you don't kiss anyone?"

"I don't know, I thought I'd just _know_… I didn't realize this was going to be so complicated…" He sat back, and Sirius could hear the 'thunk' as his head hit the wall behind him.

"I know; it's not fair... I wish there was someway I could help but I can't…" For once Sirius Black was being sincere.

Remus hit his head against the wall again, wincing.

"I know what we could do."

"What?" the werewolf asked, preparing for yet another bad idea. As much as he liked Sirius, and lately Remus had wondered whether he liked him a little more than was strictly appropriate, his plans were far less attractive.

"_I _could kiss you."

It was said so simply, as if it had been the obvious answer all along. Sirius sat up, looking into his friend's eyes, his own sparkling, yet anxious.

"Are you sure that's a good idea…"

"Well it's the best one we've got… And we're close friends, so it's ideal really, besides this way you'll have some practice before moving on to real boyfriends. Not that you'll need it of course." He grinned, and that was all it took. Remus couldn't refuse that smile; it seemed to be radiating life. Refusing it would be suicidal.

"Don't look so worried," Sirius said, although he didn't seem as confident as he should have been either. "I don't bite. Much. Although you being a werewolf you'd probably enjoy that…" He tried to seem light hearted, but it didn't seem right. Despite the movement of the carriage, the air seemed suddenly still; tense. "I'm not going to judge you; you'll still be my closest friend, no matter what happens. I think me going homophobic would be a little hypocritical."

Remus winced at the term, glad that Sirius's words were true, but more concerned about Padfoot's reaction to his ability than to his sexuality. Although he might have pretended otherwise, this was technically his first kiss and he wasn't convinced he knew what to do.

It was rare for Remus to feel completely out of his depth, usually things could be researched and prepared for, but Sirius was never totally predictable and this was one thing about which Moony was absolutely clueless.

Sirius moved closer, his left hand resting awkwardly at Remus's waist, the other brushing his hair away from his face. Remus was sure he could feel his skin burning with embarrassment, but it was too late to back out now. Sirius looked equally terrified, but he continued, tilting Moony's face towards his, closing his eyes as their lips touched.

Remus's head swam with a mixture of anxiety and the feel of Sirius. The kiss was heated to say the least; inappropriately so. He shivered, feeling Sirius's Tongue lick his lower lip, opening his mouth slightly as Sirius pushed him back against the compartment wall; as always Padfoot wanted to be in control. Remus moaned softly, his hands tangled in Sirius's hair, pulling him closer and forgetting how terrified he had been.

After about a minute they broke off, breathing shallowly. Sirius shuffled back to lie in the other boy's lap again; unable to meet his eyes. For a little while there was no noise in the carriage, except for the clattering of the train as it travelled through the dark. Remus was the first to speak.

"That was… nice…" His usually extensive vocabulary had somehow vanished, and he wondered if he would ever regain it.

"…Yeah…" Sirius added, unsure of what to say next. He had had several girlfriends over the time he had spent at Hogwarts; being gay had not stopped him wanting to build a reputation as somewhat promiscuous, but kissing felt so different when he was both attracted and emotionally attached.

Not that he would admit to either.

"…So have you come to a conclusion?"

"…Sort of…"

"What do you mean?"

"I…I don't know if I like other boys in general but I definitely like you." The words tumbled over each other, and before he could stop them they were there, hanging in the air, waiting for a response.

Sirius felt even more light-headed than before.

"Me?"

"Well who else would I be talking to…" Moony replied, irritated that Sirius had left him hanging.

"So… could you go to Hogsmead with me this Friday? I mean as in not just as friends…" Sirius said as casually as he could manage, sitting up and hoping that Remus wouldn't notice his blush in the dim lighting. Even if he had done, Sirius decided it was worth it to see the flustered expression on Moony's face; his usually guarded eyes were wide and his mouth was open slightly with astonishment.

"Seriously?"

"I'm always Sirius."

"Yes then. But that joke stopped being funny several years ago…"

"If we're going to be together then you had better get used to my bad jokes…"

"I think I could get used to that…"

"Good." Sirius leant sideways, using Remus's shoulder as a pillow.

"After all that you're just going to fall asleep again?" Moony asked, indignantly.

"Why, would you rather do something more… _entertaining_?" Sirius suggested, his words laced with innuendo.

"I didn't mean it like _that_, but if you insist…" Remus joked, kissing the top of his head.

"I _definitely_ insist." Sirius looked up, only to be met by Remus' lips on his. "mmph.."

Remus swung one leg over the other boy, straddling him and pinning him back against the seat, thrilled by the surprised moan that he received in return. In-between the incoherent emotions that ensued, he hoped James would stay as firmly asleep as he usually did on the seat opposite, but the adrenalin only blurred his mind further.

Beneath him, Sirius was equally enthusiastic, one hand pulled Remus' body against his, and the other snapped the elastic hair tie and tangled roughly in the werewolf's dull, brown hair.

The train screeched to a halt, sending Remus crashing backwards into the floor, Sirius on top of him, still holding on. They landed in an awkward jumble of limbs, each struggling to stand as they heard carriage doors open and the clatter of trunks being lifted and trundled away.

They were here.

"What were you doing on the floor?" James asked; instantly alert and curious after his short rest.

"We… kind of _fell_?" Sirius said awkwardly, trying to ignore James' smug expression and the fact that his thoughts were still trying to convert back from their previous, Remus-induced, jelly-like state.

"Yes," Remus backed him up, "The train did stop rather suddenly."

And he _had_ fallen. Even if not forever, it had happened. Even if many years later Remus would wake up with not Sirius beside him but Tonks; it had still happened, and in his mind he can find the memory clearly, despite the years separating then from now.

And Sirius… well, Sirius can live with that. That one moment hadn't been a mistake, despite their subsequent arguments; it was real; as real as Tonks was.


End file.
